Not Now, Honey

I came across this article on CNN.com a few days ago, and it got me pondering my own matrimonial state and a discussion that took place on Turnbaby's BlogTalk radio show several weeks back about "goal-oriented sex."

You should go check out the CNN article in its entirety, but essentially it says that some couples, regardless of the longevity, or even brevity, of their marital state find themselves in "sexually incompatible marriages." So-called experts say this is due to an unhealthy focus on the wedding itself and not on the relationship. One marriage counselor offers that honest communication between the members of a couple will lead to hot sex.

Do I think that couples can be sexually incompatible? You betcha. In fact, at times my own husband and I are sexually incompatible. Is this a problem? Depends. It has been in the past, but I don't think it is now because our situations have changed. Is he still "goal oriented?" Yes, perhaps more than I like him to be, but he is much less so than he has been in the past. Do I still get hung up on the fact that he's goal-oriented (for himself)? Nah, not so much. He's a guy, after all. Whatever I can do to help him along is my motto. Do I still get my kicks? Sure! Sex should be mutually pleasurable, especially between loving adults. Don't you agree? When I'm not getting my needs fulfilled, I don't get embarrassed or frustrated anymore. I tell HIM what I need, or I take matters into my own hands (literally and figuratively). At aged 46, I realized it's just not worth losing sleep over whether or "he got his" or "I didn't get mine." Besides, as my now-retired gynecologist once told me, "Sex really happens between the ears, not between the legs."

As to the obsession with weddings versus relationships, I would absolutely agree with this. I must admit to being a sucker for a wedding. Hubby says I'm a bit of a wedding groupie; in fact, I fully admit to a new habit I've taken up, that of watching the Style Network's show Whose Wedding is it Anyway? I find it disgustingly fascinating that some people consider $28,000 (that's US dollars, BTW) to be a "budget" wedding. WHAT?!

I must also admit to taking 18 months to plan my own wedding, and it was truly a budget affair. Back in 1991, we paid just over $5,000 for a wedding and honeymoon that included: the engagement ring, five sets of round-trip airline tickets (one each for hubby and me to fly home to Indiana for the wedding, return home, and then fly to San Francisco for our honeymoon, and a set of tickets for his cousin the priest who celebrated our wedding), two week's of rental car charges, two weeks of hotel room charges, the reception and all it's glory (booze was a cash bar for hard alcohol; beer and champagne punch provided by my generous parents-in-law), my wedding dress, the rehearsal dinner (deli platters from the local army base post exchange), and gifts to each other. The photographer was paid by in-laws who didn't want us to skimp in this area. Okay, so did you catch all that? I said we got all that bang in a formal wedding for a mere $5,000. (Don't ask me to convert that to today's dollar - I'm dumb when it comes to that. Maybe it does translate to $28,000 - who knows?)

Anyway, my point is that while I was planning this extravaganza, I was also focusing on the relationship. Hubby and I broke an arcane law (that was finally repealed about seven years ago) outlawing the cohabitation of unmarried couples. While we were cohabiting, we discovered some things about ourselves as individuals and as a couple that have held us in good stead. We weathered a wicked storm about a year and a half into our marriage, and today we've been married for going on 17 years (living in sin for nearly two years prior to the matrimonial state). I get that marriage is not for everyone, and I don't condemn anyone for not marrying. I know people who are happily unmarried, and some who are unhappily married. It's the way of the world, and it doesn't determine a person's value in my eyes. But back to the discussion of preparing for marriage and/or The Long Haul, hubby and I took the "Lou Holtz" test before getting married.

What is that you ask? Right after Lou, then head football coach of my beloved Fighting Irish of the University of Notre Dame, won the National Championship in 1988, he appeared on a late night talk show. He mentioned that one of the things he had put down on his list of things to achieve in his lifetime was to win a national championship with Notre Dame. Mission accomplished.

Hubby and I liked the idea of the list, so we sat down in separate corners of the room and gave ourselves about 15 minutes to make a list of things we wanted to achieve, as individuals, before we left this earth. Wouldn't you know, we had about 90% of our things in common. And this was before we were even engaged. When we went through our marriage preparation classes at church, we needed to take an "inventory" that indicates how compatible we are, and lo and behold! We scored nearly identically on that as well.

My point in this not-so-brief discourse? That relationships (whether of the legally binding kind or not) are damn hard. Not so profound a proclamation, I admit, but relationships that are worth it are worth the challenge. Having had one marriage bite the dust very early on, I wasn't about to let this one, one with a person who is in many ways my intellectual superior, my financial superior, my emotional inferior (at times) and, above it all, my partner in equality, go without every ounce of fight in me.

Just call me a sucker for a happy ending.