My ex-husband is a good man, and believe it or not, we still have contact. A good man now, however, who had severe emotional problems when he was twenty years old. The son of an alcoholic who suffered greatly from depression, my ex exhibited some of the same depressive symptoms early in our marriage. Had I been paying more attention, I would have caught the signs sooner, but I was still starry-eyed by his charm and wit.Consider this: during the months between March 1985 and December 1986, I got married at my dying mother's bedside, had a mother die on me, had a husband attempt suicide twice, had a husband cheat on me and walk out on me, and had my father die on me. And yet, in spite of that, I pesevered and grew and became a stronger person. Without these things happening in my life, I don't think I would be the wife and mother I am today. Would I want to relive those days? Hell no! But I can't regret them either. Life is about decision making, living with those decisions, and making changes (or NOT making changes) based on the outcomes of decisions.
It took only months for me to see how much he needed help; sadly, by then he was in the United States Marines Corps locked in a six-year contract, and he desperately wanted out. Since that was not going to be released, he did the only thing he felt he could do. One night while home on weekend liberty, he held a shotgun to his mouth and threatened to shot himself. I calmly (while shaking uncontrollably inside), took the gun from him and got him checked into an outpatient psychiatric program. The problem with this scenario was that at the time, we were stationed at Naval Submarine Base Bangor (WA), and he wanted to go home to Indiana, so in the dead of night with only $50 in cash and a Shell gas credit card, we drove the 50 hours straight through to Indianapolis.
He then was placed on "UA" status with the Corps (Unauthorized Absence) since I had my sister (a paralegal) contact the base where my ex was stationed. They were aware of his location at all times, but they never came to "retrieve him." After my ex completed his therapy, we drove back to Washington so that he could turn himself in and be "Other Than Honorably Discharged."
While waiting for his discharge orders in Camp Pendleton, CA, he made another suicide attempt by slashing his wrists with a razor. I was at our apartment in Washington without a phone or a car which had been reposessed upon our return to Washington. The news of this later attempt came to me from my sister with whom I checked in at the corner pay phone on a nightly basis.
Zipping along in the story, we eventually moved back to Indiana and began the process of putting our lives back on track. While living with my then widowed father, with both of us working three jobs each to pay off our now-in-default bills, he began having an affair with an old girlfriend. One day while I was at work, and while my father watched him, my ex moved out of my father's home and into another apartment, leading my father to believe that hubby had found a new place for both of us.
After the ex brought me home from work, he dropped me at my father's door, and informed me that he had moved out and that he wanted a divorce. A week later, I found my father on his bed after having a bleeding attack of some sort. My sister (who lived upstairs) and I rushed our father to the hospital where he died a week later on Christmas Day, while holding my hand.
Are those enough details for you, Pamela? *grin*
I'll continue to make decisions, both good and bad, the rest of my life. The important thing is how I move on from the less than great decisions.
Have a great weekend, all. Later daze...
Did they serve food? And if so, what kind? Cheers!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 2:38:00 AM
with the wisdom you gained from that experience...the way you met...the seven months...the three years...and with all the years to figure it out (cause hindsight is frequently 20/20)...
What advice are you gonna give to the Bonnie Lass as she launches out into the world and taking her own risks?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 10:06:00 AM
Me: Leave it to you, Katherine, to ask me the tough ones. Bonnie Lass and I have already had some pretty intense conversations, despite her tender years. Unlike my own mother, I allow my daughter to ask me any question, and I answer them truthfully, usually with a life lesson attached.
I'll let her know that often times we make spur of the moment decisions based on a fleeting emotion and personal need. I'll tell her that getting swept up in the moment does not necessarily translate into a lifetime of commitment between two people, and often times when we're inexperienced with life, we allow strong emotions to carry us to places where our logic would normally not venture. I'll remind her that even well-intended family members can get caught up on those moments and push us to do something we probably wouldn't normally do (or do if we gave the idea more serious consideration), and maybe we should trust our own instincts more than we do.
I think, most importantly, I'll tell her that even when she's up nights crying and thinking that she's a total failure, that I'll always love her, support her right to make her own decisions, and be ready to catch her when she falls.
I was worried about the heartache, infidelity, and suicide attempts.
I think it is me being curious or maybe more likely... nosy
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 10:32:00 PM
Me: No problem, Pamela. I understand being curious...or nosy. *grin*
Let me say this: the infidelity? Not mine. The suicide attempts? Not mine. The heartache? All mine.