One entry on my placard, written by a woman teacher who has two young children, said, "You are the mother I aspire to be."
And that got me thinking.
I'm not saying I shortchange myself in the motherhood department; at least, not as of this writing. ;-) Most of the time, I recognize my abilities and my shortcomings, and either strive to do better or admit that I'm not super mom and do the best I can on any given situation. This affirmation by a this woman, however, gave me pause for thought, and I wondered how I measured up by my own standards.
What I do: I buy cupcakes from the grocery store the night the morning of an party or birthday recognition at school.
Other mothers: Go to Krispy Kreme and get fresh, hot-off-the-rack donuts.
What I do: I sit in the stands in 109 degree temperatures, watching and cheering my daughter and the rest of the high school marching band as they perform during halftime of the football game.
Other mothers: Sit in the band section and walk up and down the stands as they serve water to the band kids, making sure they stay hydrated.
What I do: I drive two hours to watch an out-of-town marching band competition in the pouring rain, returning home around 11:00 p.m.
Other mothers: Load equipment trucks, ride the school bus with dozens of rowdy teenagers to the competition, haul equipment around the performance field, and reload equipment trucks afterwards, arriving back at the school well after midnight.
What I do: Work at the concession stand at a basketball game (inside in a temperature-controlled environment) when it fits into my schedule.
Other mothers: Work at the concession stand of football games (in the heat) and at volleyball AND basketball games, sometimes several times a week.
What I do: Stay up to midnight, helping to type up band competition programs days before the program is due at the printer.
Other mothers: Load equipment trucks, ride the school bus with dozens of rowdy teenagers to the competition, haul equipment around the performance field, and reload equipment trucks afterwards, arriving back at the school well after midnight.
Initially I looked at my contributions versus what others have done, and I truly felt as if I didn't pull my weight. I'm not the only mother who has more than one child, and I'm certainly NOT the only mother who has to get dinner on the table while getting each child to their respective extracurricular activities while also ensuring that homework is completed and housework is as well. Still, I felt inadequate to my friend Laura, who, like me, is a stay-at-home mom and full-time volunteer. She does many of the "other mother" duties I described above, and I feel like she does more than double what I do.
She did, however, stress to me that many times what I see as "settling" on my part is actually the maximum that I'm able to do, given my physical challenges. True, my current course of medicines has increased my breathing ability and energy levels to near normal, but the truth of the matter is, I still DO have limitations. Walking up and down the football stands in extreme heat, repeatedly, would probably be tempting fate for me.
And for the sake of "measuring up," it's just not a risk I'm willing to take.
So, I will continue to drive to the high school at dismissal time each afternoon, giving rides home to anyone that will fit in my minivan (usually other band kids and one choir kid); I'll continue to volunteer for computer work that I can do from the comfort of my own bed; and I'll continue to work in the grade school office three times weekly as a volunteer photocopier, filer, and phone answerer.
And I'll remind myself that my teenage daughter still thinks I'm "cool," and my 'tween son still thinks I'm "the best mama in the entire universe."
And I'll be more than okay with that.
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You sound like a great mom to me. Sure, some moms do all the things you mentioned. But I don't think that's the case with most moms. Plus I don't think it's the same moms doing all those things all the time. And if your kids think you're cool. That means a lot. Most of the time, my kids rather hand out with mom instead of me.
You are an awesome mommy! Mommyhood should not feel like a competition. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you and your kids happy. You don't have to do what someone else does.
You're doing the best you can do, which is far more than what you have to do, or what many parents even care to do! Your kids are seriously tremendously blessed to have you.
Yeah, you have physical limitations and you have to pace yourself. But even if you didn't, I don't think it's always wise to measure your contributions against somebody else. That way can sometimes lead to feelings of superiority or inferiority, when really what you want to do is support your kids.
I remember the "do it all" team moms. Some of them never seemed like they got a chance to sit down and watch their sons play. There was always something that needed to get done.
My mom was a booster, and she pitched in once in awhile. But on Friday night, she was right in the same spot so whenever I wanted I could look up in the stands and see her. That was always more important to me than anything else.
Who knew you were so talented! I would write more too if I didn't have so much to do. Spending far too much time on computer now that my grad class is done. Don't ever doubt what you do as a mom. It is too valuable to measure. You won't see the results for twenty years. However, you get to know that you have succeeded TODAY! Remember Bessie Stanley's quote on success:
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
Happy Day to you!
Monique
Happy New Year....
I think we always judge ourselves too harshly and/or compare ourselves with those who we think work harder or do more. I do it too all the time.
However, remember, when you see that parent doing all this work - that is all you are seeing. You don't know how that parent is at home behind closed doors. So, when this teacher friend wrote you are a good mom - I suspect she knows based on what you do with your kids - not for them.
Happy New Year....
I think we always judge ourselves too harshly and/or compare ourselves with those who we think work harder or do more. I do it too all the time.
However, remember, when you see that parent doing all this work - that is all you are seeing. You don't know how that parent is at home behind closed doors. So, when this teacher friend wrote you are a good mom - I suspect she knows based on what you do with your kids - not for them.
Ken: Thanks, I try to be. And there are cases when it's the same moms doing all of the volunteer tasks; I know it because I've seen them. Still, I do what I can, and whenever I beat myself up over thinking I'm not doing enough, I just hug my kids and laugh with them. Those hugs and laughs cure a lot of ailments. :)
Kila: I think you are an awesome mom, too, and even better for taking the brave steps that you have. Your boys will learn from your example how to treat women, and I think they'll make fine men some day, thanks to you. :)
Trav: When I volunteered at the fall choir concert, I was in the lobby nearly the entire concert. I had to sneak into the auditorium to hear my daughter's duet, and I nearly didn't get to hear her choir at all. I missed the rest of the concert because I was selling raffle tickets and roses, and that made me adamant about NOT volunteering for the Christmas concert. I enjoyed that so much, and my daughter got to see me sitting in the audience, which is where I should be, right alongside her dad and brother. She was so happy to see me, and I was so proud of her. It felt right.
Monique: Laugh often is something we take very seriously in our family, as you well know. And I think that maintaining an open, communicative relationship with each of my kids is most important to me.
Karmyn: Thank you for your astute and very kind words. You are correct: I have NO idea how most of those parents are at home (just my friend Laura, and she's a wonderful mother); what I DO know is that my kids love me, love being around me, and think of me as one of the most important people in their lives. And THAT is the best gift I can get or give. Don't you agree? :)
Sometimes you are awfully hard on yourself. I am self-critical as well, but having read your blog for a few years now I have to believe you are one heck-of-a-mom.
Happy New Year!
Rick
Happy New Year
What YOU do is more than enough. Those moms that are involved in every little thing are normally the mom's who will b**ch the moment their kid does not make the cut. Some people feel if they volunteer their kids will get preferential treatment and special considerations...that is NOT the reason to volunteer.
Your kids say it best..listen to them and no one else
Don't be so hard on yourself. You forgot to mention the moms that never show up for anything and never do anything. You forgot about those didn't you? I think so.
You are very active in your kids' lives. That's the most important part.
Have a great day. :)
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